Our International Encyclopedia has many examples. The one I like best involves the very traditional Berber tribal society in Morocco. Harnadi and Fatima were going along, happily married, when Harnadi decided that it was time to acquire a second wife. Within days, everyone in his immense, extended family was squabbling. Fatima threatened to divorce Harnadi if he married again. She refused to share her house with another woman. Fatima’s brothers warned Harnadi that if Harnadi and Fatima got a divorce, they would reclaim all the land she had brought into the marriage. (Harnadi had spent years planting fruit and nut trees on the property.) Fatima threatened to take their twin daughters to her brother’s house as well. Technically, Hamadi’s family “owned” the infants, but since they were still nursing, he would have to wait two years to collect them. In Morocco, twins are considered to be baraka (good fortune); if Harnadi’s daughters left, people might conclude that good fortune had left Harnadi’s house. To add to Harnadi’s woes, Fatima issued a final warning. If Harnadi divorced her, she would march bare-breasted to the weekly market.
This left him badly shaken. Things got worse. One of Fatima’s brothers had married Harnadi’s cousin. He announced that if there was to be bad blood between the two families, he would divorce his wife. Harnadi’s mother complained that the money Harnadi had saved for a second wife should be spent on Hamadi’s son Ali, who had just turned 15. He needed money for his wedding. Finally, a tired Harnadi surrendered. He concluded, “Women are to be gotten around, but I guess I won’t get around these.”
When other “all powerful” Moroccan fathers try to force their children into unappealing marriages, sympathetic family members often employ an avalanche of strategies to thwart them. Young lovers persuade mothers, uncles, brothers, neighbors, and business partners to plead on their behalf. One fond mother slyly hinted that a prospective bride her son secretly disliked was bad tempered, lazy, and had a bad reputation. When his father forced Abdallah to marry a woman he disliked, Abdallah claimed his wife was a witch. He divorced her and married the woman he had been attracted to in the first place. After that, his poor father’s alliances were really in shambles.
Another strategy the younger generation relies on is witchcraft or magical charms. One woman warned an unappealing suitor (Haddu) that she had visited a dhazubrith (witch) and obtained a spell that was guaranteed to make him impotent. The marriage took place, but the hapless Haddu was unable to “become stiff.” He tried counter-charms, but to no avail. He finally agreed to dissolve the marriage. Some strategies work, some don’t.
Talk about the clash of civilizations!
Robert T. Francoeur, Co-Editor of CCIES
]]>When I mentioned the Korean tradition to a colleague just back from a year with the So people of Uganda, she told me the So have all kinds of words for male sexual anatomy, masturbation, orgasm, and ejaculation, but no words for female orgasm, clitoris, or anything female. Female masturbation was preposterous! Unthinkable! Breasts? They’re for babies. With no loveplay or vaginal lubrications, vaginal penetration has to be painful. Another colleague reported that female medical students in the Sudan had never experienced female orgasm: “Women who have been circumcised cannot experience an orgasm because they do not have a clitoris.” He gently corrected their misinformation, to the delight of their husbands.
Then I read about Muslim women in Northern Cyprus who do not like to discuss their sexual problems with strangers, family members, especially a spouse, or even with a trained sexual counselor. And I recalled the authors of our Nigeria chapter reporting on the Ibo people who believe any sexual talk is vulgar, unnecessary, and taboo. Sex education should not exist.
In our chapter on Israel, Marilyn Safir and David Ribner commented on the major problem they have with Ultra-Orthodox Jewish wives who receive no sex education and have no language to describe the sexual parts of their bodies and the bodies of their husbands. Haredi women are encouraged to avoid being verbally explicit about their own intimate desires and to use nonverbal clues. “Men have more leeway in this than women, but it is difficult for either men or women to be conscious of sexual desires when both have been taught to repress any sexual thoughts or fantasies about their spouse.” It is not uncommon for Haredi wives seeking help for their “infertility” only to be told their infertility is due to their virginity, an unconsummated marriage.
All this, and many more examples from around the world—including the good old USA—have left me wondering where this common, often unrecognized repression of talk about sexual intimacy, started. And why it is so common, so widespread.
Why are our cultures so uncomfortable with female sexuality?
Why are so many cultures dedicated to repressing female sexuality?
How about some thoughts, theories, and comments from readers of our International Encyclopedia?
Robert T. Francoeur, Co-Editor of CCIES
]]>I have included a Miscellaneous Off-Topic category, as well, for some topics that may fit some discussions as peripherally related (it has been said that I sometimes diverge off the topic I’m discussing—that damn chaos). It may also include less-serious asides that others might appreciate or have an interest in. I’ll expand the category listings as time and reader interest allows.
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Enjoy your explorations!
Ray Noonan, Ph.D.
SexQuest Blog Admin.
blog@SexQuest.com